mathiasthom

I tend to shut down emotionally, and go on auto pilot. Any problems are put on the back burner, and temporarily forgotten.

However, on those few moments of clarity, I see my problems briefly, and try and resolve whatever hole I've managed to fall into.

I could just kick myself for allowing a bill to slip into collections. It's not a big one. But I don't need a past due bill to end up going through the court system.

I used to be a credit counselor.

Ironic, isn't it? 😒

mathiasthom
written 3/31/23

It's 4am
all alone with Instagram
and the lost flock on Tik Tok
first martini drained
and feeling quite disconnected and strange

You don't know me
so why should I care about you?
instant gratification
inherent frustration
but this is nothing new

You are 18
no, try 54
you are shameless bait
and I'm a miserable bore,
too set in my ways

Life is over before it really began
a 10 year depression
played its upper hand.
knowing you will never fully understand
this 2nd martini is my last stand...


mathiasthom
written 7/9/21

Love is not pulling on the heart strings
more like a chainsaw
ripping through layers of protection
only to leave oneself
naked and exposed
to the cold of indifference

Emotions are never what they seem
black and withered, charcoal and dust
the end crust of stale bread
meaningless conversations
all madly contained
within a steaming pressure cooker

Cancerous lesions slowly entwine
in sinewy bands of flesh unmarked
while dancing naked unaware
to post punk musings
from outstretched hands,
waiting for the kill

mathiasthom
written 3/25/21

Disappointed,
how they created viruses
funny how the news is
now tighten that noose

Trying to flee a Past
that wants to consume
a brave new world
that I'm only privy to

What about you?
never coming to grips
a shipyard filled with flotsam and bits
always finding the time, jumping ships

At the end now
immersed in religion and God
don't forget cherished offspring
living lives so hard

mathiasthom
written 10/25/20

Are you the narcissist?
hanging around to entice
and persist
with a promise of a kiss
that never seems to happen

Trust me, I can resist
the empty flirtation
mindless frustration
a hand brushing mine
future promises defined

This is all really nothing
the writings on the wall
if only this was truly something
backtracking empty words
a fine build up before the fall

Come friday night
in your oversized truck
hoping for hard luck
trying to act tough
another benign and awkward flight

Talk your way out of a paper bag
can't be had, with tired words so sad
the lowly narcissist
hanging around to entice
second hand affair will never suffice

mathiasthom
written 7/31/20

You want me to recite the words
that rip away your psyche,
like a crusted bandaid
baring the bloody carnage

I've given you what you dreamt
a one course meal
like a forgotten advent,
that you can't repent

What she won't do
I most certainly can
with no second guessing
or pathetic carnal undressing

But to be jeered and rejected,
living a secret life undetected
until it all comes out
one unforgiving grey morning, hectic

I won't apologize
looking into your yellow eyes
born this way
don't subscribe to your peculiar dismay

mathiasthom
written 7/2/20

Kill this lethargic feeling
that is always stealing Time
rooted to the spot
as the hours unwind

Every man's pain is always blame
some scarlet rose stain
that can never be contained
tell me, what's in a name?

Covered in warm breath
from an uneventful birth
juxtapose supposed worth,
to an untimely death

We must never forget
this crashing world that frets
and thrives on debt
with unrealistic goals never met

So dig me out of that hole
a blackness so cold
out of the confining fold
these last filaments of control

mathiasthom
written 5/28/20

What ever became of me?
transformed into a figure of irrationality
socially inept
already taken too many steps

Love has gone bust
along with blind trust
rubber rings just for show
along with any resemblance of self-control

Politically left field
walked into the right
survived another night
suppose there's that appeal

Now these text messages
from a one hour stand
already passed out of this system
always waiting for an outstretched hand

Who never seems to arrive
there is no one to confide
blinding reaching for the unknown
please just leave him alone...

mathiasthom
written 4/23/20

He pursued me for two years
offering rides and subsconscious bribes
no money was ever exchanged
just pleasantries...how strange

He could be my realtor
a one way ticket outside this door
to a new place
anything's better than the one before

So I gave in,
because romance is dead
all that is left are words
smouldering pleasantries in bed

Like a gun going off
inside of this head
realizations are warning shots
should have stayed home instead

Up twenty-one steps of cobblestone
crumbling infrastructure
probably dodged a bullet here,
on this face, a cynical sneer

But I showered for this?
eliminated for this?
shouldn't this kiss
be the harbinger of bliss?

The clothes are at my feet
an unmade bed with a solitary sheet
that apparently had seen better days,
like the pseudo love about to be played

Two bodies collide,
the universe smiles
only these eyes are drawn
to water stained, ceiling tiles

In an over priced, tawdry tomb
with thoughts outracing
the stagnant gloom,
in the corners of this forgettable room...

mathiasthom
written 2/13/20

Supposedly together,
yet never felt further apart
no conversations,
nothing to initiate or start

So it's going to be like this
taking back every drunken word
all those nights on that broken couch
memories that never quite occured

Reformatted that sorry phone
now all those pictures just wiped away
as if they never occurred,
keeping reality at bay

While he rants and raves
feeling too much
here comes another period
of self gratifying touch

mathiasthom
written 1/12/20